Half-Hearted

I just read a past post of mine. Not in this blog, but I happened to stumble on it when I viewed past sites.

And I loved it.

It had so much of everything that I believe I lack at the moment. It was real, it was true, and it had so much heart it in that I drove myself to tears upon reading it.

It lacked luster in English, wasn't so perfect in grammar... But I still loved it just as much. I wish I could write the same way again.

I tried writing at work and all that, and found it to be good once I read it again... But my mind keeps on replaying back to that Alice in Wonderland scene:

The Mad Hatter: You're not the same as you were before You were much more..."muchier" You've lost your "muchness"

Alice Kingsley: My "muchness"?

The Mad Hatter: [Points to Alice's heart] In there.

If you don't know that scene, well you suck and you better watch Alice in Wonderland and replay that in your DVD over and over again. Jk. :))

It was heavy, that scene is. No matter how little other people says it is in the movie, it was something that was deeply rooted in me. I don't know and I better figure out soon when all these started: When did I start reserving some part of me only for myself? To write half hearted realities to fool other people? To write (although not 100% perfect English but almost) only to find it lacking in the department of emotions?

*sigh*

Where are you muchness? Where have you gone to?

Hospitalized.

LOL. The last time I remember being in the hospital: None. None until being hospitalized just lately.

I do know from stories that I had been hospitalized frequently when I was a kid (literally in and out because I was a sickly child then), but really this is like the episode of my life where I was actually aware of being confined in the said place. 

Apparently, I contracted Dengue.

Dengue is a mosquito borne viral infection. You get flu like symptoms and such, but with accompanying high fever that fluctuates. Actually it wasn't all that bad aside from the fact that eating or even thinking about eating makes me vomit. And since I don't eat they had to stick dextrose on me. Not to mention slowly kill me via extracting blood from me every now and then. O.O

When I received news I was Dengue positive... LOL. I cannot paint my face. I tried to contain myself, dude. It could have been potentially lethal if I did not come to the hospital and took it just for a bad case of flu or same goes if I did not follow doctor orders upon finding out I was Dengue positive.

And then everyone was on me. Asking me how I was and all that. I had to say, "I'm good people" but deep inside I'm panicking like shit about how I was going to go through. I mean you just don't know, you know? You could get all the nice treatments and the best hospital but dude if it's your time... Well, you just have to go.

And seriously all that shit was running inside of my head. 

I was scared to sleep 'cause I don't know if I'll be okay when I wake up. I was paranoid of a lot of things. Blood transfusion, system failure, etc... all of those wrong things that could happen.

Bebi was like: "You better survive this or else I'm going to crush you using the elevator doors when I see you."

Yep. That was supposedly to make me feel/strive to get better. I belong to a violent stream of friends that is ready to cast necromancy once you fail them and then kick your ass to oblivion and back again. Jk.

I had to stop myself from crying then or else I would not get better. Cause I think emotional stress keeps you from becoming entirely well once you're sick. And everyone just makes me cry because they miss me and they wanted me to get so much better real soon.

Sometimes you never really know how much you're loved once you're in that state where you make everyone panic without really intending to do so.

I'm so sorry for making everyone worry. And I love you guys for the concern you've showed me all when I was busy recuperating in the hospital 2 days ago. :) I think I'm okay now although I have not attempted to abuse myself in any way and is taking lots of water and rest as well.


Pardon for the suck-ish blogpost, my english is not back to it's top shape as of yet. I'm expecting it to be back on its roll tomorrow. :D

3 Months.

Can you believe that? 3 months without actually posting. 3 months of blog silence. LOL.

Been busy. With work and all. Actually slash that: balancing work, and what is actually left of my life. Haha.

There are days with that I seem to be with unlimited energy, and there are days that is just plainly lethargic. I could actually sleep for hours and hours. :))

If there's something that I seem to have not really forgotten to constantly do (of course aside from daily routines and shiz), it's perhaps jotting down a thought or a quote I've seen along browsing stuff (and really, this is during work hours LOL) in my dandy journal.

Still same old news for me I guess. Nothing new really comes around.

But this I could definitely say: I'm much better. Much better than the past few months and I can actually and confidently say that I've got most of my shit back together. :p Just a lil' more to go.

**
Pending projects:

• Shed the few pounds I've gained (Hahaha. Not my fault them chocolate cakes and sweets call out to me from deh display)
• I am definitely purchasing a DSLR or a compact version of it for better pictures (considering the compact version DSLR because I'm thinking that I may be in fact, too lazy to carry the full sized DSLR Honey actually has)
• Develop my love of reading books. Again. :p
• CBLT with Honey 'cause I owe her a date. (my treat.)

I guess that should be everything at the moment. There's just four bullets under pending projects but my mind is like multiplying the shiz to infinity. Looking at it makes me want to go back and lie on my bed all day and sleep. Hahaha.

Could it be possible that I am turning into a sloth??? O.O

I have a long weekend to rest. Woohoo! :D

Life is good.

Life is good. Seriously. Although it's been really much like living in the fast lane. Days pass without me noticing.


I told Val I'd be closing the blog (if he even recalls) due to reasons of not wanting to remember some things, but I take it back. I realized that I have the tendency to get rid of things just like that. When they don't work for me and all or I'm too busy to keep it. I start things, without seeing if I'd be giving them an ending as well.


So I'm keeping this. :]


I'm working on several committees at work and still do great with the usual job tasks. So... I guess it wouldn't really be that bad. Just not so many updates.


Have to sleep, gonna be a star at work again. LOL. :) It's 1:15 MST already. :p 6 hours of sleep left.

February??

Omg. Can't believe it's February already!! >.> Been so busy with work and all that I have not even posted a thing since the 1st of January. :))


LOL. Same old life, but it's now a mixture of same people & new people. Everyday is fun. And you know... I start to love it. And it makes me unhappy that I'm starting to love it. Because then I get scared.


When I start to see things in my life being permanent, that's when they decide to go.


And it just sucks when you feel like you're the only one left standing there. And others have gone and moved on.


Anywaaayyyy...


**


Advance Happy Valentines, everyone! :D Hopefully all your hearts are happy. <3


I'm supposed to sleep again. Just woke up because it's friggin' cold. So cold I don't know if I am in the same country still. LOL.


But I like this kind of weather.


Jaccckkkeettttsss. <3

New Year's Resolutions: 2012

As promised. I'll be finding time to write my 2012 resolutions.

As it is already 2012, here are the things that I feel I should improve in myself:

->Less cranky: Especially when I lack sleep. I'm seriously one deranged person. Small things make me so mad already. >.>

->Work, and I mean WORK HARD: I'm getting there, and is sort of showing signs of being workaholic, but... Not contented yet with the effort I put in. I feel that I can do better.

->Be AWESOMER: Last year, I was awesome already, and I'm pushing for extreme awesomeness this year.


->Set my priorities right: 'Cause sometimes I get really really engrossed with something that I forget other things that are existing. :]


->Be thankful for everything: No need to be explained. Last year, I keep realizing how everything works out in my advantage. The least thing I could do to give that back is to be thankful.


->Less mean: This is always in my list, but it happens so slow that even if there's improvement I feel like there really isn't. People always try so hard to make me angry. Whether it's some rude person I commute with, or one person insulting a service crew while I'm eating. (Yes, I'm prone to put people in their place even if I don't know them and I am in a public place)


->Find time for my friends: I closed 2011 without even seeing them, and this year... I'm going to find time to see them as much as possible.


->Update my playlist frequently: Sometimes I'm too lazy to do it, and then I'm ticked off that I can't find anything good to listen to. LOL.


->Clean my room: STRUGGLING TO DO SO. LOL. I leave things wherever. I swear that if Honey sees my room... I'd sort of hear... A LOT from her. >.< So I better find time to clean my mess here and not look like a SLOB. :p


->Will still hang out with my family even if I'm too tired and WILL TRY NOT TO BE ANGRY: My mom has been putting so much effort into getting us together lately (e.g., eating out, seeing movies, etc..) but I feel like I try to avoid it lately because I'd rather be sleeping. And I just realized now how mean that is. :c


Kk. This is quite a long list already. And perhaps there's more, but... let's start with this I guess. >.<


2012 will be a good year as long as I do my best with everything. :]


Praying for another lucky and happy year ahead. :]