2012, baby!

What happened to 'inclination to blog' eh? >.<

LOL. :] Well, since I've been *ahem* with the undead in the opposite life, things are wacky on my side. The hours, the work. :) But it's all good. It's liked. So far. :D

Got no sleep at all yet, but since we slacked off at work because everybody else is like sending 'out-of-the-office' emails, we can't do anything. Just watched the hours ticked by. Oh. And also the sunrise.

I've got mixed up dates in my head, I'm not really sure which date it is already on the calendar, but... I'm pretty sure that it's 2012 soon.

Overall... It was a good year. Graduated school, had work, fell in love, got heartbroken (for the nth time), hugged friends, lost some people but gained new ones as well, had ups and downs, but... I could pretty much say that I am stronger than ever. And I guess that's one thing to credit for the experiences whether good or bad.

And since it's the weekend... *drum roll* will perhaps not sleep until the 4-ish am later. Hardyharhar. Good luck to me tomorrow. :) Needs to catch up with a few people then and there. ;)

*crosses fingers* Hopefully next year will be a continuously lucky year and... here's a toast to the year 2011, and wishing for an even better year as 2012 ushers itself in.

I may perhaps post my New Year's resolution later if I manage to have the time to write it. LOL. :D


Happy New Year everyone. :)

December Rolls Around...

December, baby! :D


I don't know why I don't feel Christmas this year though. *sigh* Hopefully the Christmas spirit rolls around soon though. I don't wanna spend the Christmas feeling unspirited and all. LOL.


Busy schedule ahead. But I will be okay. It will always be okay.


I can do this. :) I believe I can do this.


Vampire mode in the following weeks. :)


Welcome to the opposite life. LOL.

Hopefully I will be more inclined to blog and all. ^__^

When God Gives Me Problems...

It's not really always that I have to learn something. I just realized that. He doesn't give me problems to make my life harder also.

He gives me problems because... sometimes I get too stubborn to approach Him and voluntarily opts to forget Him for no reason at all. And by giving me problems, He reminds me that at some point, I have to come back and trace my steps because He is already afraid that I'm stepping nearer to a point that I may be too far from Him.

I don't pray because I need God to solve my problems.

I never asked Him to solve my problems for me (although I know He will when I ask). Because praying is not my way of asking for solutions; but rather, consolations. I'm praying not to request, but rather to voice out what I want (with all the cussing uncensored); to vent out till I'm okay. Like I do with friends. And lately, there are things that I've been keeping to myself. And I know I'm hitting road bumps right now because He misses me telling it to Him so I'll feel better. He's pushing buttons so I'll come out and say it before I explode into pieces. LOL.

And now I've said it through prayer and I feel lighter at heart and better.

So God. I'll never be angry with you. If I say something in the future then I'm apologizing already and hoping that You won't take it to heart.

Because God, I want you to know that I will never mean it. I will never INTENTIONALLY hurt You with words I say. I promise. (Forgive me sometimes because you know how rough I could be around the edges)

If I say 'I hate you', it's not really directed to You. You know deep in my heart I don't. And I won't. It's not you I dislike, but what I'm seeing in myself at that moment. That I still can't embrace the concept that You could love me entirely, when I myself sometimes exclude in loving the parts I dislike in myself.

So thank you, because once again... Prayer has made me feel very okay.

Thank you for saving me today. :)

iloveyou. :)

Targeted.

So Hon just called me like a few minutes ago... And has brought me news that I am a "blind item" in someone's facebook. :))


*drum roll* Andy's girlfriend.


And she's all psycho with the comment I made in Andy's wall asking him about the thing I was waiting for. Oh. And FYI, yeah. I'm waiting for Andy to break up with you because he deserves someone oh so better than you who won't act so childish and constrain Andy from exploring the big world. Throw also the fact that you're jealous and insecure about all the other chicks Andy is around with. You're such a malicious person. And the sad sad thing? You won't even admit it.


Man. The first thing to do to CURE YOURSELF is accept the fact that you're diagnosed with it.


Hope you can also read this like you hope I can also see your "blind item" in facebook.

Also, since she felt like holding a pity party... she dragged another ugly person in the picture. Nico's girlfriend. OMG. There's another psycho in the picture. :)) Bitch please. Like you can lower me to your state. Hahaha. You're already in the low, don't go into lower than low, man. :p That's just sick. XD


LOOOL. So you guys, just keep doing your blind item thing because it makes me so fucking famous. Just make sure you don't piss Honey so much, because I'll break your  fucking faces if it happens. And you do want to be left with something from your already miniscule state in the looks department, right?


Also, tone down the insults with regards to what I look, because honestly? If you stand beside me with your faces, you might be mistaken for slaves. >:p so watch it. :)   


You know who's ugly and looks like a frog, baybeh. :] And it isn't me.


So you're just basically masking the fact that you're insecure about how you look like. Do try to improve at it. Because we STILL SEE THROUGH IT. ;)


And do avoid to make nasty comments while in front of the mirror. You might have unknowingly typed out a description of yourself. Oops.

Le Sigh.

God wants you to know ... that you do not see things as they are. You see them as you are.

Guilty as charged. >.<

I'm not really sure with what I'm doing in my life at the moment. There's tons of things around, and it just might be so possible that I am one of those so interesting however unstable people existing in the world.


Shit. Should have posted often so I'm not becoming this crazy.


I miss school. I miss Honey. I miss Andy. I miss Val. I miss the normality. (WUT.)


*sigh*


What to do. What do do.


WTF. I was playing around with blogger's new dashboard style and I think I deleted a few posts. Stupid. Grrreeeaaaatttt. :c


Breathe. Just breathe.


*deep sigh*

Relapse.

And the problem with me is:

I SO DO NOT HAVE THE TALENT OF LEAVING AND NOT LOOKING BACK.

At some point, I end up getting a relapse and going back to the same shit all over again.

Srsly. This is getting really really old.

A few months into it and I'm doing really great... and then after some time, I go to that relapse stage and then the next thing I know I'm crying over some shit I did.

Where is the 'LIVE IN THE MOMENT' quote when I need it so much, ah?

:c I'm not talking about my love life entirely, but my whole life itself. >.>

And it sucks when I get to this point where I feel like throwing a 'pity party'. Everybody is moving and I am in this single space, walking back and forth endlessly.

I need you, Inner Bitch. I need you.

Hobbies and Interests: Sleeping. Sleeping. Sleeping.

Not much to be said about, is there? The title says it all.


:) I am so lazy for my own good. Srsly.


I love sleep. I always sleep. LOL.


If I lack sleep, then it is a definite ground for my grumpiness. If someone wakes me up from a good sleep, then there's a sure punishment awaiting said person who woke me up.


Maybe in my past life I was a bear. Sleeping for half a year. Especially when winter rolls in.


It's called... HIBERNATION.


Hmm.


OMFG. I'm hibernating, you guys.

Something That Made Me Really Smile. :)

If you hoard love, it melts away. If you lock love, it breaks free. If you grab on to love, you end up holding an illusion. When you let love flower in its own way, it stays to support you. When you pass on love, it multiplies beyond measure.

1:32 am.

I will seriously get scolded once my mom figures out I stayed up late again. Got early commitment and I am still up like what... 1:24 am?


Holy shit.


If there is seriously another thing that I am good at, that is... blowing up commitments and schedules. Yay. I should get that straightened soon. Like REAL SOON. Or else.


I guess I'm just thinking about a lot of things.


And I want it off of my chest and stuff. Maybe... Maybe I'll go clean up my room and stuff while I think it over. Maybe I'm not gonna go sleep tonight. Or maybe that isn't really such a wise idea after all.


Now that I think of it... I think I have this habit of cleaning up stuff when I'm bothered with something. Like I wash plates after dinner, I clean my bed of unnecessary shit that accumulated over time, I open my closet and fold my clothes in an orderly manner, etc..


Harhar. But don't tell my mom about that. That'd be corny if they know I do that plainly because it's some sort of "sign" that I'm dealing with some crap on my brain. O.o


*sigh* Tomorrow probably it'll get better? Well, hopefully.




P.S. I'm seeing my cousin L.A. tomorrow I guess. I should prolly consult him with stuff. That is, if it's not so much of a bother. Hmm.


P.P.S. 'Friends With Benefits' movie was great. <3 I loved it.

With an Exceptional Love for Yogurt.

:) This is loved. Super loved.


Not only is this healthy, but... very very good for treating heartbreaks. LOL. :)) Srsly. Speaking from experience here. :p


My mind is set on working because my body feels the need to sustain my addiction for yogurt.

I'm not sure if this is yogurt because it's written that it's 'frozen kefir', but it does have the same texture and taste to yogurt. :)

And at the moment, this one is the best tasting for me. Has been for like a month now. :) Wuush.

Hopefully when I fetch my mom later she'd treat me to yogurt. >.> Sucks that I've only seen swirls @ MOA. Now gotta settle for 'non-swirls' yogurt. Hmp.

Now I miss you even more. WTF. Getting hungry just staring at this.

(No shit.)

Dear Blog, I Missed You. :)

I never thought I'd say this but...

"Dear Blog. I miss you. So fucking much."

A lot of things has happened. Lots of things that made me sad, happy, confused...


But I'll tell you. I've learned, and actually... I'm in fact, stronger. :) The experiences was worth it and I went through all of that for a reason.


Since I'm not doing anything really lately, I might as well edit your layout soon. :) Just gathering concepts and all. :)


I'm probably back from the hiatus, babies!! :p

Fingers Crossed.

:] Hopefully. This is gonna be okay. :)


I'm scared and worried and I really do not feel like sharing anything except my feelings...


Dear God,


You're giving me choices at the moment, and hopefully... whatever I choose... You'd keep guiding me to what is best for me.


Pauuuwwy, you have to watch over me everyday... k? You have to promise me. :')

Srsly? Commitment Issues?

IKR. If someone who knows me sees this post, they'd be like...

"Yeah right."

I'm not really sure like on this "very certain" degree already about the whole thing, mkay? Still conducting a few tests and research about it.

But I think, upon sort of pulling away from my body and trying to see in someone else's perspective...

I think the issue of commitment pretty much scares the shit out of me.

Yes yes. Gots probably billions of crushes such and such, however... to stick with one person for like a period of time...

It sorta freaks me out.

IKR!! It's odd for a girl to feel that way because they're normally the gender who does the whole 'we stay together through this', etc. No. I'm not really dating right now, however... I do ponder about it. But the weirdest thing is that, whenever the opportunity comes around the corner... I scamper like an angry mob is after me.

I'm this odd person who likes one thing one day and then don't really like it the next, and then like it again, then not again, and the whole cycle continues to infinity.

Right now... I feel like if I happen to like someone on this day, I should never tell that somebody I like them (with all that strong conviction I had waaay before in my past crushes) because... it might be that when I wake up the next day, I'm not feeling the same thing anymore.

Hardyharhar.

I should probably see somebody who is an expert in relationships and psychology regarding this matter.

LOL.

Faith.

Matthew 11:28-30: ²⁸ Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

I remember Father Dan's sermon awhile ago. I sort of miss how my faith was back then in highschool.


I don't really know where I stand right now when it comes to faith. Or rather, I couldn't really put an exact number on how far I'd fallen from before. Yes, I do believe in Him. But what is now is different from what was.


Before, my heart relied upon Him with everything it had.


Happy. Sad. Everything-- Every thought and feeling.


And I sort of miss it.


Everything wasn't easy way back, but I found solace and consolation when I prayed.


Right now? I'm this 'independent' child who couldn't even open up an honest thought or prayer.


I don't know. But I feel like I have to hide something.


Even though it's clear He can see everything.




I want to go home, God. I really do. :'c


But I don't know how. Hopefully, You'd fetch me.


I now know where this void in my heart is coming from. It's coming from being without You.


And it's starting to hurt.

What I Don't Like?

I don't like it when people try to pick fights with my friends.


It's then that my patience is seriously tested and I have to try so hard to stop my fist from contacting their face.

I'm Here Because I'm Meant To Be Here.

I'll never get tired of the way you tell me you miss me, Love.


Every night before heading to bed, it freaks me out to think how everything could have been so different if I'd taken those decisions I didn't take.


Hell. It might have been good. It might have been so much better, but gawd. I will never exchange you for any of it.


That's how much I love you.


No regrets.


I know I've asked before why I'm actually where I am... But then I just realized at some point that I'm here because I'm meant to be here; because someone needs me to be at this exact spot.


'Cause if I'm not at this exact spot...


I would've skipped the whole Boycrush episode; I would've missed building a bridge of friendship with you; I might have had a different set of people in my life; I might have lost Honey; I might not have 'Dad'; I might not have a 'Loveteam';


A way different set of EVERYTHING that is actually too long to type.


Everything might have sucked at one point, but it doesn't matter any more.


If everything sucks again in the future, and I forget how much the journey has been worth everything...


I'll read this post again. Over and Over.




Negative things will come. I may not be able to control everything that happens. It will upset me.


But they are there for a reason.


A purpose I might not comprehend as of the moment, but will always turn out for the best.


If something negative comes up, I'll just think:


"Negative things before had been the stepping stones of the awesome people who are currently in my life. Maybe someone awesome is on the way. It's gonna be worth it."


:]

Letting Go: Everything and Dallas.

Give some of that weight where it belongs, - to God, and have faith that what happens is for the best, whether you understand it or not.

--I'm gonna breathe deep, let go, and let You. On everything.


**6/20/2011: I'll miss you, Dallas. :') You made me so happy again. I could've asked you to stay, baby. But I don't think you'd want that, after everything.

Gawwdd. Baby, it's all my fault. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, baby.

I should've done everything right. I should've stayed. I should've known it was the last time I was ever gonna see you. I should've held you for the last time that night.

And I didn't. Because I'm a gadddamn coward.

I've learned a lot. Those little things in life. Those moments. And you should know that a part of me will stay with you. Even after you're gone. Because baby, believe it or not... You've taught me to become someone better in that span of time.

But some part of me will never forgive myself for what has happened.

I love you though. Hopefully, you felt that. :'(

Hopefully you're happy with Peppermint and Machi. God knows how much I've loved them both. The time was too short. And now, you.



But... doggy heaven, yeah? I'm believing in that.




You're the 3rd puppy, and yet my heart still breaks. :'(


Watch over me, little guy. :') I'll miss you. I love you. Always. Forever.

I'm No Superhuman.

Of course I'll always be this "happy" gal.


And no matter how perfect my world is outside, there'll always be days where everything seems to suck so bad.


And yesterday?


Is probably one of those days.


Hopefully when I wake up everything is better already.


Hopefully.


Gaddd. I wanna go MIA. >.>

6.17.2011 is loved. :]

How do you know when you're over? :]


Is it when things get easier?


Is it when you can't remember anymore?


Hindi ko rin alam actually. At ayokong sabihin na "over na ako" when I'm not really certain at all. Maybe on the process, but not stating 'really over'. I'm not saying it because mahirap nang mausog. :p


I'm afraid of doing the whole 'relapse' thing again if ever I'm really getting better.


Medyo nanghihinayang though. Some part of me feels that way.


Kasi gusto ko pa din na kahit papaano, we're friends. Pero I guess malabo yon.






Ang alam ko lang as of the moment?


Okay nako kahit sabihin mo pang magkita kami.


Wala na yung fear unlike before.


May twinge pa din of 'missing him' pero it's not so bothersome anymore.


Hindi ko na rin masyado maramdaman ang gravity ng mga past texts niya.


I'm okay with the fact na he's interested in pursuing somebody. Hopefully, genuine yan and not due to some sort of side interest or whatsoever. :p (Just saying.)


At bakit?


Keyword: Superhuman. Absorption. :))


LELS.


6.17.2011: Saw dad, loveteam, Ren, Love and everyone else. :] Starbucks date with Love after her work. :] Today... everything was so fucking worth it. :) Dad's hug felt so so so so so so good. It was comforting. It was everything I had pictured out.


Etong mga taong to? They're meant to be in my life. And I'm thankful for it.


If I had the choice of doing things differently... I'd still choose the same choices I did before. Just so I could get what is "now".


It's because these are the people I'm supposed to be fighting so hard to keep in my life.


Kaya Love... Hindi mo man mabasa to... Pero... :)


Love,

I'm not sure if you know how much I love you. Pero know that I do. So much. I'm not leaving. And as long as you're trying no matter how hard everything gets... I can promise I'm staying.

Thank you kasi... We're perfect together. 

I did not only get an Ate, but also a bestfriend. 

Stay in my life, Love. Kasi... mahal na mahal kita. :') Sobra.

Penny For Your Thoughts.

In the context of LOVE, "Bahala ka (It's your choice)." does not mean "do as you please." It means, "You know what I want. You can either do things that make me happy or choose to disappoint me."

This is actually the most absurd thing I've ever read.


You cannot EVER impose on someone you love what they should choose.


Because if you love them? Whatever they choose, you should accept. Simply because it happened to be their choice. Whether or not you're happy about it, it's out of your reach.


No guilt tripping and shit like It means, "You know what I want. You can either do things that make me happy or choose to disappoint me."


because that is hella evil.


I'm going rant about this because that statement above is so fucking selfish itself.


And whoever thought of this statement even had the nerve to insert "In the context of love".


If that is the kind of love you'll be receiving, then tell the other person on the other end of this 'love' to go eat that 'love' they're giving out.


Bullshit. Loads of bullshit.


This is like waging a subconscious warfare on the decisions/choices of the person you love. Indirectly imposing what they should choose. Indirectly pushing them to incline to the choice that makes you happy.


And they will choose what makes you happy because in their mind it's like, 'if you love someone, you will do what makes them happy.'


And that is just plain stupid.


If you really love somebody, you will never ever try to influence their decision to lean on what is comfortable or favorable on your part.


Their decision might hurt you, but WHOEVER SAID LOVE IS EASY?


If you love them, YOU WILL ACCEPT THEIR CHOICE EVEN IF IT FUCKING DISAPPOINTS YOU.


So to whoever invented the statement I'm ranting about...


FUCK YOUR SELFISH STATEMENT.


CLEVERLY HIDDEN EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.


I'm sorry to say they've failed their covert operations.

Rainy Days.

We don't travel in the 'real', we travel in the 'legendary'.

:] Rainy days make me remember a lot of stuff. *sigh* Being with beh @ DD the other day is too awesome beyond words.


It wasn't planned; it was a spontaneous invitation for a coffee date. And it was soo good. Talked for 3 hours straight. <3


A gap that was once formed due to separation has closed just like that in that 3 hour span. We're near each other again. And I think...


Some people are just meant to stay IN your life for good. Just like some stay OUT of your life. No matter how hard you try to keep them around.

>.<[...][...][...][...]>.<

It feels good knowing that slowly... I've been thinking of him less and less. He crosses my mind every now and then, still makes me sad at some point... But it's getting more and more bearable as time passes.


I'm never sorry for loving you. Even if it was so gaddamn hard and painful.


...Because in that span of time knowing you... I found the worst and best part of me.


And that makes it so fucking worth it.




This is what happens when you fall in love.


Bollocks and out of your mind.

Home.

LOL. I'm friggin' home.


But apparently, sick. >.> Plus I have a dulled hearing on my right ear because it hurt like a bitch on the plane due to the air pressure. And since I am sick, it made matters worse because of something along the lines of sinus blocking something going to somewhere.


Anyway.


I'm rating the entire trip as... 7. :]


LOL. It was okay, however I think it wasn't the best trip ever just yet.


Oh well. First times are always like that. ;p (no pun intended).


I intend to return however. It's just that... the next time... It'd be with friends. ROFL. :))


Rents still so strict, lah. Even when I'm already seriously 20.


WAHAHA. I'm complaining with leniency over my age issues when I got the nerve to buy a huge ass "Stitch" stuffed toy at the airport and carry it around like a BOSS.


Yay. So much for proving my maturity.


But hey, I can be 30 something and still buy stuffed toys. I mean, what's wrong with that, leh.


Very very nice though. I mean. Everything. :D I might considering posting everything that has happened. :p LOL. So fun when it replays on my mind. XD


Anyway... I remember that Chinese guy again at the airport. He's probably around my age or so. LOL. So cute leh and he was so embarrassed that we befriended him, hah. Hopefully he got home to Guangzhou okay. :) ^___^

Short Post

NOTE: If someone finds font styles or font sizes that are looking very very odd, I apologize at the moment. I will adjust it as soon as I reach my laptop at home. You see...



Lels. First experience blogging via IPAD. And it's so friggin' awesome. :)

It's weird carrying it around though. Like typing on air. Plus I can't do my batshit crazy typing. I srsly miss the sound of the laptop keyboard. =))

BTW, IPAD is not mine, k? It's my sister's.

LELS. Two more days and I'm gonna be back to reality. :))

SRSLY. What the f is wrong with me and my fixation for things that are OBVIOUSLY ending.

Nonsense.

Stalker said, "Wag kang magsasalita ng tapos."


:] Hahaha. 3 beses ko na daw sinabi na... "Tama na. Hindi na talaga." Pero ganun padin. I always come back to where I started.


I should really stop doing that. :))


From now on, I'm not gonna talk about plans. I'll just do them. ;p


***


Come to think of it, yeah. I've survived a few hurts concerning love before. And I'll also make it out through this. :)


Mind over matter, baby. Ü


I just need to exercise patience. :) Minamadali ko kasi kagad eh. Gusto ng instantaneous results.


>.> Shet. My mind fuckin' hates you. Seryoso.


Pero my heart doesn't. No matter how BS everything gets. O.o


----STOP----


Ikaw na naman ang topic. Tangina talaga.

>.< >.< >.< >.<

I digress.


Recap of good stuff that has happened over this week:

5/23/2011: Watch Pirates of the Carribean 4 in 3D with Love @ MOA. Di ko masyado na feel ang paka 3D niya in fairness. LOL. Pero it was good. :) Laughtrip.  :) Me and Honey should really get together soon. :c *sigh* Kami naman ang super tagal na hindi nagkikita. :c

5/25/2011: Bonding with Ren over FB chat. :] Isa pa tong namimiss ko din eh. >.> Kasama si Loveteam. Amf. Pahug, you guys. :c

>.< >.< >.< >.<

Nonsense tong post na to. Kasi... Ewan. Baliw mode. >.>

Weirded Out.

Deliberating whether or not I'd tell stuff and all. >.> Hmn.,


A lot of stuff has happened the past few days. Sooo. Yeah. Sort of kind of weird and stuff.


I keep doing a lot of stupid stuff and all. :))


Gadd. Super confused. :(


I don't feel like telling stuff and all. Just not yet.

Breakeven: 5:33 AM

And even till now, it's still broken.


I knew you had to be bad for me. And yet, I still jumped. I looked before I leapt and knew what was coming... But I braved it all and still jumped.


And you know what? I wish... I'd find that courage again.


But this time... I need it so I can finally walk away and never look back.


Why isn't this as easier as before?


When other people walk away, I don't worry. Somebody would take their place again soon.


Pero ikaw...? I'm trying so hard... and so bad for you not to walk away.


And even after all those efforts?


The ending never changes. It's always going to be bad. It's always going to be negative.


And I have to accept that.


That no matter how I twist here and there in "our" rubik's cube... We'll never fall right.




And the part that sucks the most?


Even after telling myself all those things...


My heart still keeps fighting. Even if I'm actually feeling it has exhausted itself.


I wish I knew how long I'd be like this.


Maybe... Just maybe, it could have affected my decision to jump.






I'd try my best to avoid crossing your way on Friday. I can't see you. I can't be near you. But nevertheless I still have to be prepared, isn't it? Even for the slimmest of chances.


If I don't prepare myself... I'm afraid I'd come running to hug you.


And I can't. I shouldn't. Everything will go to waste then.




If I do see you... There shouldn't be anything to it. It should be empty.


As if you've never been a part of my world. As if you're invisible. As if you never existed.


As if you don't hold the other half of my heart.

I Bash Myself.

"It's okay to be yourself and do what you want to do."

And when you do exactly just that... People bash you. Judge you. *insert all those horrible things*.

>.< >.< >.< >.<

Maybe I just can't admit it but deep inside, I'm also a people pleaser. Which sucks, btw... because I apparently have a strong dislike for people pleasers.


So the notion: "We hate what we are" is also true, because of the aforementioned argument.


Just finished an SMS argument with a friend. Okay. Slash that. Probably... an acquaintance.


I can't actually well, say that he's in this status wherein we're friends because:


a.) We don't talk much at all, but if ever we do talk...
b.) Our conversations is not the type that is 'anything under the sun'. It's always about love or what I am or what I say or what I do.
c.) He cannot accept some things about me unlike everyone else. (i.e., bitchiness. frankness. LOL.)


BUT.


He made me cry. Hard. The most fucked up thing. EVER. Said things like he knew me beyond those times that we actually hang out together.


He wants me to accept what he has seen as my "attitude".


I just wanna scream in his face.


K. Fine. I'll accept his "attitude rant" if he can also accept the fact that he has pre-judged me before he even talked to me.


That before he even got to what matters most is he has defined me as this snobbish 'lil thing that does not know anything at all, and will look down on you the moment she sees you.


So here's the news buddy:

I judge because I'm most likely? 90% right. Fine. I'm the most egoistic person for saying that. But didn't you notice? There's a remaining 10%. It's allocated in the possibility that maybe, just maybe... some percentage of that 10% is actually fighting to prove that the bad things/percentage I've judged of you in that 90% was a misjudgment on my part.

So... here's me:

I'm a bitch. I say stupid things. I say bad things. I swear, I cuss. I punch and kick. I'm not entirely nice. I'm selfish. I'm ambitious. I'm greedy. I also feel envy and jealous. I'm driven hard by success and money. My mind is evil when it wants to. I'm a flirt. I like attention. I'm a drama queen.

And know that I'll also fucking insert all the other things I've found out to be wrong about me when I remember it.

But you know what? At the end of the day?

People who love me IN SPITE OF all things that can be said wrong about me... I'm loving and protecting them with everything I've got. I'd go to great lengths for them. I'd do everything for them and I wouldn't mind getting scathed or bruised in the process.

Because they love me. Even after knowing and discovering all that shit about me.

Because loving them is WORTH IT.

And even if 90% of me can be said 'a bitch, invincible and ruthless', the remaining 10% of this sad little bitch is a vulnerable heart. My Achilles' heel. So don't blame my 90% that it build walls as high as the sky, or that it's like a maximum security compound or if it's asking you to prove yourself; because once that 90% is convinced you're worthy of the 10%...

I'm 110% vulnerable. I let my guard down. I get stupid. I'm giving you the capability to hurt me more than anyone else, but I'm trusting you not to.

:')

Sinking Feeling.

The fuck.


I don't know where this sinking feeling is coming from, but it sucks. >.> Like hell. O.o I'm trying to actually find out where it's coming from so I can eliminate it, but gaddd. I can't find it.


I'm thinking so badly right now if I did something wrong that can be the cause of this feeling, but I can't recall doing anything bad today. Or for the past days. >.>


LOL.


Can this sinking feeling come from the fact that I haven't been bitchy lately? O.O

Lazy Shit.

:] Lels. It's been what. 3 days since I've been back and I'm lazy to do anything.


Which is actually surprising considering that here, there is in fact... lots to do; and there... well... nothing. O.o


But gadd... I enjoyed everyday there. Even if there was no internet. And the tv was limited to non-cable channels.


I'd like to do it again.


Hopefully, in December. Ü I'm srsly looking forward to it.


***


And. A lot of things has happened. :))


Stupid things, sad things, happy things. Tons of them.


I haven't realized it before, but now that I think of it... I'm a millionaire when it comes to people that love me. ;)


Thinking about it just makes me cry. All these time, I thought I was deprived. O.o


I just wasn't looking hard enough.

Vacation Mode. :]

To people who read my blog. :]


^__^ I might not be posting for awhile. I'm going on a vacation today; And will not be back until 2 weeks.


I'm bringing tons of stuff and my heartbreak notebook. So. I might also be posting a lot of things when I get back.


And also. Pictures.


Well, considering the idea of doing so. ;)


I think this would be a good time to gather thoughts and build everything else that might have collapsed before.




Excerpt from my hearbreak notebook:




I think my heart is always gonna be with him. I voluntarily broke it, and gave the other half to him. I'm doing better than before, but I think no matter how many days, months, and years pass and I see him again...


A part of me will always, always love him.


And I'm okay with it.


These feelings are stupid and worthy of getting angry at. They're crazy and illogical. But they're there and it's pointless to feel negative about it, because I know that used to be... they were the source of those positive fireworks I feel inside. 


And I'm deducing that it's because of that fact that I'm given a reason to cancel out all those 'supposed to exist' anger, frustration, bitterness, etc.


Also, to feel negative about those feelings would be like: regretting the fact that I've chosen to love you. And I don't.


I've written your flaws; all those unlikable things about you and thought it over and over again. And it still yields the same result: i still love you, despite everything.


I'm not seeing you, I'm not even communicating with you anymore; but the feelings... dormant, yeah. But still existing.

Epic Fails and Wins.

LOL. So I did take the test. LOLOLOL. However, before arriving at the testing area... Dozens of fail and win happenings.


Since it's a lengthy post, Imma use THE jump break. :p

Nerve-wracking.

>.> I'm gonna have to take a test with one company tomorrow and I'm really thinking about what I'm gonna do. >.>


I'm worried that it won't be okay and stuff like that.


But I'm also worried about what will happen if the exam does turns out okay. I mean... If the exam turns out okay, I'll proceed to the interview. Then if I pass everything...


I'm getting the job.


But if I get the job...


We have an out of the country trip that's pending and cannot be cancelled since this has been planned before I have even graduated.


I'll take a leave on my training period to accommodate the trip and such and such. I'll miss out on things. >.>


O.o


Wait. Why am I worrying about what will happen if I pass. LOLOL.


I don't know that.


I'll just worry about it if I DO pass.


Maybe I will not pass. Who knows.


I'm getting crazy by obsessively thinking. K?


*breathe*

Weight Rants

You do not ever mention to a girl that she looks overweight or is gaining weight.

Like EVER.


Now I understand and know what it feels like.


It sort of affects our self esteem and shit like that. Especially when we're NOT that fat all. If I was bordering on obese and I cannot fit through the door (or even half as big as such person), then you can prolly tactlessly point it out to me and I would understand.


Hurt, but I would understand. K?

Yes. My name is "FatKid" but I am NOT THAT FAT. People act like I'm gonna die out of clogging my arteries with fat when they see me.


They give terms like: obese, overweight, etc...


Unbelievable.


And as much as I want to post my picture to prove what I'm saying, doing so will break the anonymity of my blog.




Whoever said I was fat and overweight awhile ago, FUCK YOU PEOPLE.


'Cause I know I'm not as fat as what you're saying and pointing out. I've long put up with it, but now I'm ticked off and I'm saying it's


BULLSHIT.


You act like you know how fat I am better than me who sees myself naked everyday before I go shower.


People have the right to be comfortable in whatever body shape they have.


Walang basagan ng trip kung keri naman nila ang katawan nila. Keber mo ba?


Some people just become the reason why I tend to become weight and calorie conscious. Putang ina.


Oo, PUTANG INA MO TALAGA.

Of Sinkholes and Such.

So I'm actually staring at this photo and I'm wondering what is down that circle darker blue colored part of this I dunno... ocean?


And I'm thinking if i lost something in the ocean on this part... Will I never find it again? Like ever?


And where does this, well... sinkhole (Nyahaha. I googled what this is.) lead to? Does anyone know?

The one above is an even scarier picture.

Simply for the fact that it's on LAND.

If you happen to fall inside of anything like this one... You prolly won't be found ever again.

Or you fall like... endlessly. O.O

But if it does have a bottom, hopefully you won't land on your face dead but instead, float meters before you hit ground and ... Just like Alice you end up in Wonderland.


LOL.

Just a theory.