I Bash Myself.

"It's okay to be yourself and do what you want to do."

And when you do exactly just that... People bash you. Judge you. *insert all those horrible things*.

>.< >.< >.< >.<

Maybe I just can't admit it but deep inside, I'm also a people pleaser. Which sucks, btw... because I apparently have a strong dislike for people pleasers.


So the notion: "We hate what we are" is also true, because of the aforementioned argument.


Just finished an SMS argument with a friend. Okay. Slash that. Probably... an acquaintance.


I can't actually well, say that he's in this status wherein we're friends because:


a.) We don't talk much at all, but if ever we do talk...
b.) Our conversations is not the type that is 'anything under the sun'. It's always about love or what I am or what I say or what I do.
c.) He cannot accept some things about me unlike everyone else. (i.e., bitchiness. frankness. LOL.)


BUT.


He made me cry. Hard. The most fucked up thing. EVER. Said things like he knew me beyond those times that we actually hang out together.


He wants me to accept what he has seen as my "attitude".


I just wanna scream in his face.


K. Fine. I'll accept his "attitude rant" if he can also accept the fact that he has pre-judged me before he even talked to me.


That before he even got to what matters most is he has defined me as this snobbish 'lil thing that does not know anything at all, and will look down on you the moment she sees you.


So here's the news buddy:

I judge because I'm most likely? 90% right. Fine. I'm the most egoistic person for saying that. But didn't you notice? There's a remaining 10%. It's allocated in the possibility that maybe, just maybe... some percentage of that 10% is actually fighting to prove that the bad things/percentage I've judged of you in that 90% was a misjudgment on my part.

So... here's me:

I'm a bitch. I say stupid things. I say bad things. I swear, I cuss. I punch and kick. I'm not entirely nice. I'm selfish. I'm ambitious. I'm greedy. I also feel envy and jealous. I'm driven hard by success and money. My mind is evil when it wants to. I'm a flirt. I like attention. I'm a drama queen.

And know that I'll also fucking insert all the other things I've found out to be wrong about me when I remember it.

But you know what? At the end of the day?

People who love me IN SPITE OF all things that can be said wrong about me... I'm loving and protecting them with everything I've got. I'd go to great lengths for them. I'd do everything for them and I wouldn't mind getting scathed or bruised in the process.

Because they love me. Even after knowing and discovering all that shit about me.

Because loving them is WORTH IT.

And even if 90% of me can be said 'a bitch, invincible and ruthless', the remaining 10% of this sad little bitch is a vulnerable heart. My Achilles' heel. So don't blame my 90% that it build walls as high as the sky, or that it's like a maximum security compound or if it's asking you to prove yourself; because once that 90% is convinced you're worthy of the 10%...

I'm 110% vulnerable. I let my guard down. I get stupid. I'm giving you the capability to hurt me more than anyone else, but I'm trusting you not to.

:')