Nonsense.

Stalker said, "Wag kang magsasalita ng tapos."


:] Hahaha. 3 beses ko na daw sinabi na... "Tama na. Hindi na talaga." Pero ganun padin. I always come back to where I started.


I should really stop doing that. :))


From now on, I'm not gonna talk about plans. I'll just do them. ;p


***


Come to think of it, yeah. I've survived a few hurts concerning love before. And I'll also make it out through this. :)


Mind over matter, baby. Ü


I just need to exercise patience. :) Minamadali ko kasi kagad eh. Gusto ng instantaneous results.


>.> Shet. My mind fuckin' hates you. Seryoso.


Pero my heart doesn't. No matter how BS everything gets. O.o


----STOP----


Ikaw na naman ang topic. Tangina talaga.

>.< >.< >.< >.<

I digress.


Recap of good stuff that has happened over this week:

5/23/2011: Watch Pirates of the Carribean 4 in 3D with Love @ MOA. Di ko masyado na feel ang paka 3D niya in fairness. LOL. Pero it was good. :) Laughtrip.  :) Me and Honey should really get together soon. :c *sigh* Kami naman ang super tagal na hindi nagkikita. :c

5/25/2011: Bonding with Ren over FB chat. :] Isa pa tong namimiss ko din eh. >.> Kasama si Loveteam. Amf. Pahug, you guys. :c

>.< >.< >.< >.<

Nonsense tong post na to. Kasi... Ewan. Baliw mode. >.>

Weirded Out.

Deliberating whether or not I'd tell stuff and all. >.> Hmn.,


A lot of stuff has happened the past few days. Sooo. Yeah. Sort of kind of weird and stuff.


I keep doing a lot of stupid stuff and all. :))


Gadd. Super confused. :(


I don't feel like telling stuff and all. Just not yet.

Breakeven: 5:33 AM

And even till now, it's still broken.


I knew you had to be bad for me. And yet, I still jumped. I looked before I leapt and knew what was coming... But I braved it all and still jumped.


And you know what? I wish... I'd find that courage again.


But this time... I need it so I can finally walk away and never look back.


Why isn't this as easier as before?


When other people walk away, I don't worry. Somebody would take their place again soon.


Pero ikaw...? I'm trying so hard... and so bad for you not to walk away.


And even after all those efforts?


The ending never changes. It's always going to be bad. It's always going to be negative.


And I have to accept that.


That no matter how I twist here and there in "our" rubik's cube... We'll never fall right.




And the part that sucks the most?


Even after telling myself all those things...


My heart still keeps fighting. Even if I'm actually feeling it has exhausted itself.


I wish I knew how long I'd be like this.


Maybe... Just maybe, it could have affected my decision to jump.






I'd try my best to avoid crossing your way on Friday. I can't see you. I can't be near you. But nevertheless I still have to be prepared, isn't it? Even for the slimmest of chances.


If I don't prepare myself... I'm afraid I'd come running to hug you.


And I can't. I shouldn't. Everything will go to waste then.




If I do see you... There shouldn't be anything to it. It should be empty.


As if you've never been a part of my world. As if you're invisible. As if you never existed.


As if you don't hold the other half of my heart.

I Bash Myself.

"It's okay to be yourself and do what you want to do."

And when you do exactly just that... People bash you. Judge you. *insert all those horrible things*.

>.< >.< >.< >.<

Maybe I just can't admit it but deep inside, I'm also a people pleaser. Which sucks, btw... because I apparently have a strong dislike for people pleasers.


So the notion: "We hate what we are" is also true, because of the aforementioned argument.


Just finished an SMS argument with a friend. Okay. Slash that. Probably... an acquaintance.


I can't actually well, say that he's in this status wherein we're friends because:


a.) We don't talk much at all, but if ever we do talk...
b.) Our conversations is not the type that is 'anything under the sun'. It's always about love or what I am or what I say or what I do.
c.) He cannot accept some things about me unlike everyone else. (i.e., bitchiness. frankness. LOL.)


BUT.


He made me cry. Hard. The most fucked up thing. EVER. Said things like he knew me beyond those times that we actually hang out together.


He wants me to accept what he has seen as my "attitude".


I just wanna scream in his face.


K. Fine. I'll accept his "attitude rant" if he can also accept the fact that he has pre-judged me before he even talked to me.


That before he even got to what matters most is he has defined me as this snobbish 'lil thing that does not know anything at all, and will look down on you the moment she sees you.


So here's the news buddy:

I judge because I'm most likely? 90% right. Fine. I'm the most egoistic person for saying that. But didn't you notice? There's a remaining 10%. It's allocated in the possibility that maybe, just maybe... some percentage of that 10% is actually fighting to prove that the bad things/percentage I've judged of you in that 90% was a misjudgment on my part.

So... here's me:

I'm a bitch. I say stupid things. I say bad things. I swear, I cuss. I punch and kick. I'm not entirely nice. I'm selfish. I'm ambitious. I'm greedy. I also feel envy and jealous. I'm driven hard by success and money. My mind is evil when it wants to. I'm a flirt. I like attention. I'm a drama queen.

And know that I'll also fucking insert all the other things I've found out to be wrong about me when I remember it.

But you know what? At the end of the day?

People who love me IN SPITE OF all things that can be said wrong about me... I'm loving and protecting them with everything I've got. I'd go to great lengths for them. I'd do everything for them and I wouldn't mind getting scathed or bruised in the process.

Because they love me. Even after knowing and discovering all that shit about me.

Because loving them is WORTH IT.

And even if 90% of me can be said 'a bitch, invincible and ruthless', the remaining 10% of this sad little bitch is a vulnerable heart. My Achilles' heel. So don't blame my 90% that it build walls as high as the sky, or that it's like a maximum security compound or if it's asking you to prove yourself; because once that 90% is convinced you're worthy of the 10%...

I'm 110% vulnerable. I let my guard down. I get stupid. I'm giving you the capability to hurt me more than anyone else, but I'm trusting you not to.

:')

Sinking Feeling.

The fuck.


I don't know where this sinking feeling is coming from, but it sucks. >.> Like hell. O.o I'm trying to actually find out where it's coming from so I can eliminate it, but gaddd. I can't find it.


I'm thinking so badly right now if I did something wrong that can be the cause of this feeling, but I can't recall doing anything bad today. Or for the past days. >.>


LOL.


Can this sinking feeling come from the fact that I haven't been bitchy lately? O.O

Lazy Shit.

:] Lels. It's been what. 3 days since I've been back and I'm lazy to do anything.


Which is actually surprising considering that here, there is in fact... lots to do; and there... well... nothing. O.o


But gadd... I enjoyed everyday there. Even if there was no internet. And the tv was limited to non-cable channels.


I'd like to do it again.


Hopefully, in December. Ü I'm srsly looking forward to it.


***


And. A lot of things has happened. :))


Stupid things, sad things, happy things. Tons of them.


I haven't realized it before, but now that I think of it... I'm a millionaire when it comes to people that love me. ;)


Thinking about it just makes me cry. All these time, I thought I was deprived. O.o


I just wasn't looking hard enough.