Insecurities?

My mom borrowed my laptop awhile ago. She said she was gonna check out the list of those who passed at UP.


For those who don't know, UP is equivalent to an Ivy League school.


So I was like: "Yea, okay."


If you saw the pride that shone on my mom's face when she saw the name of her friend's daughter on the list...


She was too proud that it sort of hurt me.


And I hate it.


I'm not really sure if this can be considered insecurity. But I've never felt that my mom was that proud of me. And what hurts more is the fact that even though it's her friend's daughter, she was so proud of the kid.


And I never even came close. Even when I got good grades. 


I'd be excited to show her my grades when I've done good and she'd be: "Okay -.-"


But when it's other people's achievements she'd tell it to everybody in her excited "scream it to the world" face.


She was more proud with other people's achievements. I feel like I have to compete with everyone that is achieving around me.


Nakakapagod. So I stopped showing my grades. Or even anything that would be considered competent.


It's never enough anyway, so what's the point?


But I cried over it. The moment my mom stepped out of my room.


Parang si Stripes lang eh.


Every step I take towards him, he makes 5 movements backward.


Makes you think how the hell you'd catch up.


But you keep trying hopefully one day you would. Even though it seems vaguely possible at the moment.


LOL. Typing this shit makes me teary eyed.


Taena lang.


Why don't people invent something that numbs feelings like this. Something which is not temporary like alcohol.


Then the world would probably be much better cause you wouldn't feel negative feelings and energies.